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The Secret Life of Office Plants

Posted by Jason Wyrwicz on Apr 15th 2022

Do you really know your office plant?

I mean, really?

Sure you brought it in, you water it (sometimes), and it provides a little life and fun to your desk area.

But are you guys tight? Besties?

It’s ok if you’re not; we hear a lot of people have really bad relationships with their office plants. Part of the problem is they’re just so easily misunderstood.

At Pots, Planters and More, we’re always here to help. So in an effort to fill the communication gap, we invited a local office plant to share his story. What follows is an inside look into a typical day.

It’s a shocking story, and you’ll probably never look at your office plant the same way again.

What’s it like to be an office plant?

8:00AM - A little sun today. Nice. But man I feel crispy. Water anybody?

8:15AM - Marsha! Hi! I don’t judge you for being late like always… but can I get a little water?

9:30AM - Still no greeting, but that’s cool.

10:22AM - Allen heads for the breakroom (again) for like coffee number 9, takes pity on me, and pours some lukewarm dregs on my soil. Sometimes you take what you can get.

10:24AM - Ok, this is interesting. Marsha saw Allen pour coffee on me and she is ticked.

10:27AM - I’m paraphrasing, but Allen was like “don’t you even care about that plant?!”, and Marsha was like “it’s not even any of your business Allen… and it’s gross that you poured that coffee on my plant…how many times have you done that?” and Allen was like “my bad desert queen, why don’t you just water it and I won’t have to worry about it,” and then Marsha threw in a zinger: “It’s my business Allen and you could have used water if you were that concerned, and not coffee that’s been swished around your mouth like an animal.” Then he whispers to Linda - who just happens to take marvelous care of her plant - “that plant doesn’t even have a proper pot…what kind of person does that.” This sounds too toxic; I’m not listening.

11:30AM - Revived. Marsha finally makes eye contact with me and apologizes that I had to witness that. She promises to water me. I’ll let her believe she’ll do it.

11:44AM - [looks down at cracked, black, plastic “pot” he’s in] I sure hope they don’t have to repot me again when this thing starts leaking. But this is fine. This is ok. Linda’s plant gets a dope, fiberglass pot with no cracks, and I get… black plastic torture pants. And why the extra absorbent paper towel under me? … sapping the last drop of moisture… [passes out]

12:00PM - Lunch time! Except I’m a plant and I don’t eat. It would be nice to get a roomier pot though. Marsha heads out to do some shopping.

2:00PM - Hey Marsha! Wow, long lunch break but you deserve that.

3:30PM - Afternoon coffee time for Allen. My dude, you drink a lot of coffee. He kind of gives me a dirty look this time. Like it was my fault. I stare him down but he doesn’t seem to notice.

4:00PM - Marsha looks a little happier now. She just knocked out that report she’s been stressing over. Then it happens.

4:01PM - Marsha pulls out a mini zen garden from her shopping bag, unpackages it, and puts it right beside me. Now I have a portable desert to stare at as a constant reminder of my thirst.

4:54PM - Bye Marsha! Won’t judge you for leaving early like you always do!

6:52 - Terror. Cleaning lady. Every evening she vacuums and comes within 3cm of whacking me with the handle.

7:00PM - Cleaning lady is out of my area. I made it. And the stapler invites me over for a little card game and cigarettes. Such a good friend.

11:00PM - I can’t sleep. Because I’m a plant.

11:00PM-7:37AM - Yep, alone on the desk all night. I did do some planning and decided I’ll probably put the house on the market in the spring.

Lessons to learn

It’s easy to see the animosity. Your office plant is there for you through thick and thin, silently supporting your work, answering the phone when you’re away from your desk, all the while enduring parched soil and constrained potting conditions. What if you had to live day in and day out in that too-tight pair of jeans you always avoid?

We can do better.

First we listen.

And we water them with real water.

Then we… get them out of that ridiculous pot and treat them to an upgrade.

Maybe even get your plant some friends and let them hang out together in a stylish office planter. And don't get one of those low-quality, garbage planters from the home improvement store.

Get one that matches your style, pick out the color you want, customize it, make it your own, and most importantly, make sure your plant likes it, too.

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